Reality Bites

Reposted  (with some updating) from my old blog dated May 2008. This was during the time that I had decided on leaving Dubai and my job for good. To date, this has been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

Take 2: They say that Life throws at you what He thinks you can handle.

I remember my first plane ride all the time. It was a few days right before Christmas. I had mixed emotions as it was my first Christmas away from home and my family but at the same time excited as it was my first time out of the country and I was embarking on a new journey. It was going to be a new beginning. And as God is so good, my first plane ride led to many many more...

Last night, I was reminded of how strong I had been during my darkest hours. Coming from an unexpected source, reality hit me hard. What had happenned along the way that made me want to give up? I fell, but I stood right back up. I had healed. I had moved on. But I realized that the fall had left me crippled and bruised. I fell, stood right back up, but didn't take notice of what the fall had left me. I was too keen on getting back on my feet and being who I think I should be that I forgot to pick up the pieces from my fall. I just wanted to get right back up and prove how strong I was - which I am - and which I'm not.

I used to say that I think crying makes me less of a person. And sometimes I still do. I've been crying a lot lately and all I feel is self-pity and an emptiness inside me that I think can never be filled. The only good thing I get from crying is that it makes me want to stop crying and start settling my life out.

No matter how many reasons I give as to why I decided to come to Dubai, we all know I came here then for something else... Getting a good job was just a blessing God had given to me and I will forever be thankful. At 21, I was living the life. I had a good thing but I set it aside for something I thought was better. I took it forgranted. For my "family". There's no one to blame but me, because I let it happen.

I tried to fix everything, up to the last minute, everyone knows how hard I tried. But there are some things that couldn't be fixed anymore. I've been saying for some time that all I need is a fresh start but I never had the courage to go for it as I was too hung up on all the good things that I was going to throw away when clearly, the bad things I had gained outweigh all that.

I have a lot of good friends here - some I've known for the longest time, others I've gained over time, and some people who just simply care. And I don't know what I would do without them. I would have never gotten through the most difficult times of my life without them. They kept me smiling until I had the strength to smile on my own again and made me believe that I can move on, still find love and be happy. And I finally did. One more reason why I miss home...

I have found happiness. Someone who supports me and loves me and cares for me. It might be too fast, or too sudden, but it's not. Only people who hasn't loved and lost won't understand. Only people who are cynical would raise eyebrows. But for people who believe, people exactly like me, then you'd understand.

All I want is a home, a place I can come home to every day. Watch my son grow up to be the man I pray him to be. Settle down with the man who'll take care of me, love me for who I am, who I had been, and who I will be. Live a simple life - something I've always wanted but would take some time to get used to. I just want to be happy...

I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I allowed my heart to rule my life. There's no taking back the mistakes, but I can still make it right. What I need is a fresh start.

I finally found the courage. Consider this my goodbye.