Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Reposted from my old blog dated July 2008.


"Dont cry because it's over. Smile because it happenned."
- Dr. Seuss


This morning got me thinking about my what ifs and what could have beens.

It has been exactly 37 days since I took that plane ride which could change my life forever. 37 days of not knowing what's next or what life has in store for me...

I have been missing what I do - or what I used to do. Everyday, I think about everything I've left behind. Lazy ass that I am, I miss my job. I miss getting up, calculating 1 1/2 hours to figure out what time I need to be in briefing. I miss wearing my uniform, my red hat, putting on my make-up, my red lippie. I miss dragging my suitcase to the street while waiting for a cab under the Dubai heat. I miss flight briefings, "Yvette from the Philippines", the bus ride to the aircraft, pre-departures, safety and security checks, crew meals, plane food. I miss layovers, shopping, adventures. I miss doing nothing on rest days, sleeping in at the hotel on layovers. I miss EVITA, press 2 press 1. To cut it short, I miss what I do...

I've had great memories: My life gradually changed. I've had experiences I never thought I'd have this early in my life. I never thought I'd see the Grand Prix in Monaco, see the Colloseo that I've dreamed about ever since I fell in love with The Gladiator, see Will Smith shoot a scene at the Times Square... Most of all, I've met a lot of people and gained friends along the way. Who knows when or where I might see them again, but still...

I cant't really say now how my life is or will be. All I know is that it hasn't really been easy adapting to changes. I've been doing nothing for the past month and it gets really boring, you know. I still haven't figured out what I want to do, what kind of job I want to venture in. Lusting over a pair of shoes that I'd really love to have but know that I don't really need -- before I felt like I could afford anything, now I need to stick to a budget and prioritize the needs over wants.

I learned a great lesson: Never take things forgranted.

At the end of the day, I am happy right where I am. I am with the people I love the most and that's more than I can ask for. I'm home...

The best part? Aiden telling me everyday that he's happy because "You're here" and "You're with me".

They say that to move on you have to learn to let go of your past. I can't do everything all at the same time, so for now, I'm letting go of the one thing I've been missing the most.

This is Yvette from the Philippines, 377013, signing out..

Reality Bites

Reposted  (with some updating) from my old blog dated May 2008. This was during the time that I had decided on leaving Dubai and my job for good. To date, this has been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

Take 2: They say that Life throws at you what He thinks you can handle.

I remember my first plane ride all the time. It was a few days right before Christmas. I had mixed emotions as it was my first Christmas away from home and my family but at the same time excited as it was my first time out of the country and I was embarking on a new journey. It was going to be a new beginning. And as God is so good, my first plane ride led to many many more...

Last night, I was reminded of how strong I had been during my darkest hours. Coming from an unexpected source, reality hit me hard. What had happenned along the way that made me want to give up? I fell, but I stood right back up. I had healed. I had moved on. But I realized that the fall had left me crippled and bruised. I fell, stood right back up, but didn't take notice of what the fall had left me. I was too keen on getting back on my feet and being who I think I should be that I forgot to pick up the pieces from my fall. I just wanted to get right back up and prove how strong I was - which I am - and which I'm not.

I used to say that I think crying makes me less of a person. And sometimes I still do. I've been crying a lot lately and all I feel is self-pity and an emptiness inside me that I think can never be filled. The only good thing I get from crying is that it makes me want to stop crying and start settling my life out.

No matter how many reasons I give as to why I decided to come to Dubai, we all know I came here then for something else... Getting a good job was just a blessing God had given to me and I will forever be thankful. At 21, I was living the life. I had a good thing but I set it aside for something I thought was better. I took it forgranted. For my "family". There's no one to blame but me, because I let it happen.

I tried to fix everything, up to the last minute, everyone knows how hard I tried. But there are some things that couldn't be fixed anymore. I've been saying for some time that all I need is a fresh start but I never had the courage to go for it as I was too hung up on all the good things that I was going to throw away when clearly, the bad things I had gained outweigh all that.

I have a lot of good friends here - some I've known for the longest time, others I've gained over time, and some people who just simply care. And I don't know what I would do without them. I would have never gotten through the most difficult times of my life without them. They kept me smiling until I had the strength to smile on my own again and made me believe that I can move on, still find love and be happy. And I finally did. One more reason why I miss home...

I have found happiness. Someone who supports me and loves me and cares for me. It might be too fast, or too sudden, but it's not. Only people who hasn't loved and lost won't understand. Only people who are cynical would raise eyebrows. But for people who believe, people exactly like me, then you'd understand.

All I want is a home, a place I can come home to every day. Watch my son grow up to be the man I pray him to be. Settle down with the man who'll take care of me, love me for who I am, who I had been, and who I will be. Live a simple life - something I've always wanted but would take some time to get used to. I just want to be happy...

I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I allowed my heart to rule my life. There's no taking back the mistakes, but I can still make it right. What I need is a fresh start.

I finally found the courage. Consider this my goodbye.

On Fairy Tales and Happily Ever Afters

Reposted from my old blog dated January 2008 (right after a heartbreak and just starting a relationship with my then-boyfriend / now-husband)

I used to believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters... my own prince charming, a castle somewhere far, far away, enchanted friends... and for a while i thought i was living my own fairy tale. It wasn't magical or anything, but I was happy and I was contented and I thought life was perfect - I had my own happily ever after. But it wasn't. Just like any other fairy tale, mine had a villain. And in my story, my villain was also my prince.

Reality: The same person I loved had hurt me. And I thought I could never move on. It took me months of self-pity, buckets of tears, no ounce of self respect, a thousand advices from friends, liters and liters of alcohol, dozens of comforting hugs, a couple of bad dates, a long vacation, moving furniture around the house to remove bad karma, no appetite for food, a lot of self-help books... the list goes on.... I was stumped. Hard, but I was moving on.

Somebody told me that Time doesn't heal all wounds, but a new love surely will. And I believed that. True, I was moving on. It's not that I still loved him the same, maybe it was just my ego talking, saying that he couldn't be happy, not until I was completely happy. I'm not being selfish here. I just knew that I deserved to be happy before he does. And so began my quest to find my new love. But I couldn't find him. Nobody even came close. And just when I had given up, love came when I least expected it. It wasn't even love at first sight or anything absolutely romantic. We just took our time..... A new chapter in my life, and I couldn't be happier. I don't know where all this is going but I am hoping only for the best. I learned from experience not to believe in forever but to live for NOW.

But truth be told, I am still keeping my fingers crossed that this is IT. (and yes, this is it!)

So ask me now if I still believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters. My answer would be NO. There are no happy endings, we were just made to believe from fairy tales that says "and they live happily ever after..." because in real life, most of it are just once upon a time... it is up to you what you want your ending to be.

Angel in the Sky: What Dreams May Become

Reposted from my old blog dated March 2007 (with a little updating)

When I was younger I used to dream of the sky; that I was inside a plane, looking out at the clouds, and going to places I learned about in school. My cousins and I would argue whether the clouds looked like cotton candy or cotton balls from up above, or whether we could see the birds flying from where we were, or if everything down below really looked like ants as we've heard.

I have always wanted to see Disneyland, but as I grew older I became fascinated with making it to Egypt to go on an archelogical dig and go to Hawaii or the Bahamas and see if the beaches are really as wonderful as everyone says it is. I dream of seeing the Eiffel Tower and going there with someone special as it is and will always be the City of (Love) for me. I obsessed about meeting Prince William during Diana's death because I believed he was MY Prince Charming. I loved Gladiator so much I wanted to see what the Colloseo was like. Go on a pilgrimage in Jerusalem, see real snow, see the Eight Wonders of the World... There are just so many places I have always wanted to see and things I wanted to do.

But everything changed. When I had my little boy, let's just say my priorities changed. For a while, I let go of my dreams. I forgot that I wanted things. At that moment all I want to have is a big happy family. But fate intervened. And somehow, all my dreams appeared right in front of me, and I took it.

Now, I don't just dream of the sky. I actually know what it's like to be so near it. I now know that on certain days the clouds look like cotton balls, on some like cotton candy, and on some there just aren't any clouds in the sky. And yes, everything looks like ants from up above.

I have made a childhood dream come true and had gawked at all the colors of Disneyland and seen Mickey and Minnie up close and someday soon, when he's old enought to really appreciate it, I will take my little boy, too. I still haven't gone on an archeological dig but I had seen the pyramids of Egypt and the Nile from 30,000 feet above the ground. I now know of the beaches of Seychelles and Mauritius and Malta. The City of (Love) remains to be a dream I will fulfill with the person I had chosen to spend my lifetime with, but I had seen the beaches in Nice, France and had visited Monaco-Monte Carlo as a bonus--right during the Grand Prix! Sadly, Prince William was not MY Prince Charming but at least I got to see the Buckingham Palace and shopped at Harrods and had my first taste of Krispy Kreme in London. I have had my Gladiator Moment and let me tell you, it was one I will never forget. I ended up crying upon seeing real snow for the first time in Moscow, Russia but realized that I just was not cut out for such a cool climate. I have never gone to Jerusalem, or seen all of the Wonders (only one, the Great Wall of China)... but I had been to other places and experienced other things that had never crossed my mind when I was younger. For a while, I have experienced the world...

I dream of more, but my number 1 priority will always be my family. I always love being home with my son and my husband. Giving up a dream was one of the hardest things I had to do, but being away from the people you loved was even harder.

I used to dream. I still do. And if people think I didn't deserve to be so close to the sky, then they don't know just how much I had to go through to see the view from the top.

Having a dream fulfilled is a blessing that I will forever be thankful for, but at one point we all have to wake up from the dream and face reality, beacuse sometimes, reality is even better than what we expect.

20 Random Facts About Me

20) I'm a very picky eater. I don't eat a lot of things. I do not drink Iced Tea or anything that resembles Iced Tea, and I wonder why people find that the weirdest.

19) I love to read! Anything from books to magazines to comics to newspapers, even catalogues and brochures. I tend to get impatient though and most of the time, halfway through a novel, I read the ending and when I finally figure out who the killer is or who ends up together, I get satisfied and continue reading.

18) I can't sleep without a blanket, no matter how hot it is! I get cold easily. Once, I travelled to China and attempted to climb the Great Wall at -7 degrees, and I fainted. I fainted at the Great Wall of China. *humiliating*

17) My most treasured travel experiences include: realizing my dreams at the Colloseo in Rome, watching the Grand Prix in Monaco-Monte Carlo, witnessing my first snowfall in Moscow, having my first taste of Krispy Kreme (way before Krispy Kreme came to the Philippines) and shopping in Harrods in London, watching Will Smith shoot a scene for Hancock in Times Square New York.

16) After high school, I volunteered at an orphanage with my best friend We organized gift giving activities and came in to play and look after the kids once in a while. This went on for years up until I left for Dubai.

15) Every year, during my birthday, I give wrapped gifts or food to street children (despite my husband's disapproval, he says it violates the "Bawal Magpalimos" law) and this birthday tradition I'd like to pass on to my children.

14) I'm very good with directions, I can drive anywhere or go anywhere and still find my way home.

13) My eyes are half open when I sleep and my mouth bubbles when my female instincts start kicking in.

12) I took a short course in Fashion Design, Merchandising and Sewing, but I still end up taking my clothes to the tailor even for small repairs because I have yet to purchase my own sewing machine.

11) I am very particular about feet. I make sure I get a pedicure every 2 weeks because I hate ugly feet. (I finally realized that's where Aiden gets his foot fetish from.)

10) My favorite part of my body is my legs, because that's where I get complemented on the most.

9) Watching beauty pageants and noontime shows make me cry. You know, that part where the winner gets declared or when the contestant wins a million pesos, it never fails.

8) I don't drink coffee, unless it's a frappuccino. And when I do, a single glass can keep me up all night. It's my Red Bull.

7) To this day, after years and years of having to put make-up on my face, I still do not know how to put on eyeliner.

6) I never had any real ambition growing up. I have never pictured a career for me, all I ever wanted to be is a housewife with great kids, a wonderful husband with a great career and shopping money anytime I need it.

5) I love gambling. Plain and simple.

4) The first expensive thing that I ever bought for myself with my hard earned money was a Louis Vuitton bag and Chanel shades when I was 21. I figured they would be great investments and an even better reward for all the long flying hours.

3) I was very boyish growing up. I used to have a very big scar on my legs that I got from falling off the roof.

2) whenever I see cars with plate numbers like 111, 222, 333... I put 2 fingers together and need to have someone break them apart.

1) Dream. Travel. Love. I can say that I have lived my life, because I have dreamed, I have travelled and most of all, I have loved... all more than once.